Hello again, my friends. I hope we’re all thankful and fat from Thanksgiving leftovers (or not, if you’re from outside the United States), but let’s dive into Upper Deck’s latest givings and see where their photographers dropped the ball before New Years!
Back to Back
Torey Krug (#13) and Teuvo Teravainen (#54): Ah we’re back to this old chestnut. Both of these players probably spent 20 minutes on the ice the night that the photographer got these pictures and what we get is mostly their back sides! Honestly, UD could have just found there home addresses, gone on Google Street View and found a blurry picture of these players outside mowing their lawns and it would have been an improvement over this. Like, what fell in the reject pile; I want to know.
Masked Man
Jonathan Quick (#154): “Hey Johnny, did you know that if you hold a puck up to your ear you can hear the sound of your save percentage improving?”
“Really?”
“Ha, ha! Nope!”
Celebration Time, Come On!
Anthony Cirelli (#21), Max Pacioretty (#193), Tomas Tatar (#47): Celebrations are great. One can only hope that these guys show the same level of admiration when they are amorously involved with their significant others. But hey, I didn’t see the puck go in the net, so maybe Tony Cirelli just stepped on a Lego brick; maybe Max Pacioretty just stubbed his toe on the coffee table. Either way, it’s clear that Tommy Tatar is jubilant about being in Montreal.
When You See It
Michal Kempny (#63): Have you seen the movie Goon? Doesn’t this look like Doug Glatt made it to The Show? At least he doesn’t have to fight Tom Wilson. Or does he…?
Hair-y Sharks, do do do do do doooo!
Brent Burns (#165) Marcus Sorensen (#164): It should be a crime for any hockey fan if Brent Burns ever had a boring card. This card reviles that the extra strength on his slapper is from his beard giving it the extra push! Marcus however looks like Dr. Wily from Mega Man just stepped on a live wire.
Dodging Bullets
James van Riemsdyk (#75) and Johnny Gaudreau (C81): Granted, *I* don’t want to get hit by a slap shot either, but JVR looks like a 1950’s housewife standing on a chair with a mouse running across the floor. Johnny Hockey might be trying to show off some sweet hacky sack moves and failing. “Nice kick, Pele!”
UD Portraits
Brady Tkachuk (P-4), Elias Pettersson (P-25), Taylor Hall (P-27), Carter Hart (P-31)
Oh my God! Why? WHY DID YOU DO THIS, UPPER DECK?
Seriously, these are all tragic.
These are just like the Sears portraits all of our parents us got us to take in the early 1980’s. And they are just as awkward!
Look, let’s start of lighter note: Carter Hart is at least wearing a mask, but BOTH shots are him in the SAME MASK! The only difference is that he’s looking slightly more askance in one!
At the opposite end of the spectrum I had to stare at Taylor Hall pictures and wonder if that was the same guy; how long did that season in NJ last?
Hall looks like young innocent man in one picture and in the other a grizzled veteran fur trapper from British Columbia that has had to fight off more bears than Ilya Bryzgalov!
Come one, you couldn’t find one picture where Elias Peterson doesn’t look like a mouth breather; just one?
And finally, Brady Tkachuk. Look, I can understand why he fights; if I looked like that, I would too. But I expect his one special move to be “Splash Attack” when he does fight.
Call me when he evolves into a Gyarados. And from now on, just one picture of him, OK?
Finally, the BEST CARD IN THE BOX!
Andrei Svechnikov (#53…? Aww, I miss Jeff Skinner now. ) YAAAASSSS, Upper Deck gave us at least one card featuring a moment in the Storm Surge! This one was Bowling For Svech, and if you watched hockey on TV anytime last year, you probably saw a clip of this. This card makes me super happy, and I will get it autographed at some point. If UD wanted to be Jerks they would make a card of Alex Ovechkin clocking Svechnikov. But I ain’t even mad that you can barely tell who he is (unlike the cards at the top of this list). If they wanted to make a chase set of all the Storm Surges, I would hunt those down and get them signed — even by Evander Holyfield!
That’s all from me this time. Let us know if you found a card that worthy of disdain and maybe we can put it up on the fridge for all to admire. Have a great holiday season, everybody. ■
Jim Howard is a Carolina Hurricanes fan and reformed baseball card collector who is trying to keep the hockey collection from becoming overwhelming. And while he wishes he could give Crosby the business with his mitt, he is in fact NOT the goalie for the Red Wings.
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