Fresh from The Onion

The Onion newspaper doesn’t riff on hockey too much, but this was in last Thursday’s issue:

Senators Accuse Thrashers Of Pouring It On After 3-1 Loss

OTTAWA—Following their 3-1 loss Wednesday, Senators players accused the visiting Thrashers of poor sportsmanship for keeping up the intensity long after the game was out of reach. “At the end of the second period it was 2-1, meaning the game was basically over,” said Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson, who called the Thrashers’ behavior in tallying the gaudy score a violation of the hockey code. “What’s going to happen? We’re somehow going to score a goal and tie it? Maybe. Flukes happen, miracles happen. But are we going to score twice? This is hockey we’re talking about, after all.” Alfredsson would not rule out his team attempting to score three goals on the Thrashers in their next meeting regardless of whether the Thrashers score at all.

The archive of The Onion‘s hockey articles can be seen here.

The Lost Luongo Poem

I’ve been sick since Thursday–and had to run errands today in the rain–so not much time for a blog post today. Plus the Blackhawks will be on in an hour when they take on the Sharks.

But I thought I’d share this: it is another of TSN’s hilarious Roberto Luongo poems–this one about the Green Men who mock opponents in the penalty box. I’m not sure if this one actually aired, or if it was just an exclusive on the TSN website. Old news by now, but it’s new to you if you haven’t seen it yet.

And if you haven’t seen the other hilarious poems read by Luongo, check them out here.

Roberto Luongo Reading Poetry

Yesterday, my girlfriend and a friend of hers commandeered the living room to paint and make collages. Artsy stuff.

This displaced me from watching the Blackhawks-Canucks game on TV, so I watched TSN’s feed of the game online.

Boy, am I glad that I did! 

During intermission, TSN aired this hilarious segment featuring Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo reading poetry. His verses were about the Sedin Twins, Dustin Byfuglien, the shootout and other hockey-related subjects. Check out the video above–it is 2 minutes of pure genius.

Why can’t U.S. hockey coverage be this funny?

Monster Drops the F-Bomb

In last night’s Toronto-Montreal game, Maple Leafs’ defenseman Mike Komisarek accidentally passed the puck to Canadiens’ forward Mike Cammalleri, resulting in a sweet one-timer goal. Hilarious, because everyone knows that you should never pass the puck in front of your own net.

Even more hilarious was Leafs’ goalie Jonas “The Monster” Gustavsson bellowing  the F-Bomb at the top of his lungs after he realized that it was his own d-man who set up Cammalleri.

Here is video of Cammaleri’s goal and Gustavsson’s reaction.

Minor League Mistakes

Those of you who read my Autograph Blog know that I recently visited all 30 American Hockey League websites, looking for each team’s player roster.

For the record, I am a professional web designer and graphic designer. I would love to be the webmaster of a pro hockey website. I think that mistakes or poor design on a professional website show laziness or lack of interest on the part of the webmaster / web team.

Thus, I feel the need to point out some of the more amusing mistakes I found on a few of these sites.

Mistake #1 – Distorted Images

Nathan Oystrick looks fat. In fact, every Peoria Rivermen player looks fat because their headshot photos are distorted.

Without getting into boring technical solutions, the picture needs to be taller, like this:

See? Much better? And it would only take them 5 minutes total to fix this problem for all the player pages. 

Mistake #2 – Incorrect Data 

Allegedly, the Syracuse Crunch have a center on their roster named COMING SOON. He has a page on the site, too.

Though COMING SOON’s height and weight are unknown, he was born July 06, 2010. I tell ya, these prospects keep getting younger and younger.

But he must be good because he is the first player listed under Forwards:

Even worse are the stats for goaltender Timo Pielmeier:

C’mon, guys–fix your database! Because I really want to know how well he did with the Cologne Sharks!

But this third one really takes the cake…

Mistake #3 – Bad Graphic Design

Amputee cheerleaders! Yes, the New England Patriot Cheerleaders–and their phantom limbs–will be at the Worcester Sharks game on Saturday. This image is currently on the Sharks’ home page:

Why do the cheerleaders fade out below the knee? To make room for the text, of course. But it looks stupid. When it comes to design, you try until you get it right…or don’t try at all.

In Other News…

  • I will not be on The War Room this Wednesday (11/3), but will return to the show next Wednesday (11/10).
  • This month is allegedly National Blog Posting Month. So, I’m going to try and update this site and my autograph site every day.

The Onion riffs on hockey

The Onion is a free, satirical newspaper here in some U.S. cities. Every now and then, they riff on hockey in their Sports section. Here’s some of their latest hockey quips.

People Probably Affiliated With Hockey In Some Way Inducted In Hockey Hall Of Fame – unfortunately, it wasn’t a full article, just a photo and caption.

Nation’s Morons March On Washington State – not a hockey article, but the moron on the left is holding a sign that says “Go Red Wings.”

And from last season, here’s a hilarious infographic about Alexander Ovechkin (click on it to read).

Heh, heh…speaks fluent Ovechkin. Happy Friday, everyone.

More reasons to love The Onion

The Onion–a satire newspaper published in the U.S.–is probably the only newspaper I read consistently. Sad but true. And oh so funny. Every now and then they lampoon hockey in their Sports section. Here are some of the more recent riffs–all Red Wings related, given their success:

Giant Squid Thrown On Ice To Celebrate Red Wings Hat Trick

Evil Red Wings Owner Wario Lemieux Steals Stanley Cup

Chris Osgood Gets To Third Base With Stanley Cup
This one is a full article, and a little off color.

Also,, there’s a good chance that people who aren’t video game player will get the “Wario Lemieux” reference. Mario Lemieux was nicknamed “Super Mario” in the 1990s after the popular video game character Mario from the Super Mario Bros. games. Wario, with his big nose and twisty mustache, is the evil version of Mario.

Gotta love The Onion

For those of you who don’t know, The Onion is the premier weekly satirical newspaper here in the U.S. of A.–sort of like Mad Magazine, but more sophisticated…and yet not pretentious. They poke fun at all things, like politics, current events and sports. Once in a while, they even dis’ on hockey, as evidenced by this photo:

The Onion also poked fun about the recent NHL All-Star Game in Atlanta.