Category: Funny Stuff

Steve Galvao is a good old Canadian kid who grew up loving hockey and collecting hockey cards. To see more of Steve’s work, visit his website, the Shoebox Collection.

Steve Galvao is a good old Canadian kid who grew up loving hockey and collecting hockey cards. To see more of Steve’s work, visit his website, the Shoebox Collection.

Steve Galvao is a good old Canadian kid who grew up loving hockey and collecting hockey cards. To see more of Steve’s work, visit his website, the Shoebox Collection.

NOTE:  I am happy to introduce a new author on Puck Junk. Steve Galvao is, in his own words, “a good old Canadian kid” who grew up loving hockey and collecting hockey cards. He recently merged his love of hockey, card collecting and cartooning, and will be contributing his ‘toons to Puck Junk every week or so. – Sal

To see more of Steve’s work, visit his website, the Shoebox Collection.

One of my favorite hockey blogs on the interwebs is called Battle of California. Maintained by Earl Sleek, Battle of Cali–as the cool kids call it–focuses on the San Jose Sharks, L.A. Kings and Anaheim Ducks.

What I love about Battle of Cali the most are these hilarious “Cartoon Explosion” stories, written and illustrated by Earl, that depicts personified mascots from each team battling for the Stanley Cup. Think “Muppet Babies” crossed with “Super-Friends” crossed with “Peter Puck”…but awesome-r.

Anything with silly cartoon animals amuses me–but these are silly cartoon animals fighting for the Stanley Cup. I love these stories so much that I collaborated with Earl in a new story called The Legend of the Seal. It recounts the tumultuous existence of the Oakland Seals / California Golden Seals…but with silly cartoon animals.

Lies! Intrigue! Cannibalism! Spray paint! The Legend of the Seal has it all. Check it out, and please leave a comment and let me know what you think.

Here are today’s top headlines in the world of hockey: 

Zoo penguins sue Upper Deck 

Penguins at the Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium (top) are suing Upper Deck for the unauthorized use of their photo on a hockey card (bottom). Click to enlarge.
A group of emperor penguins at the Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium are suing card manufacturer Upper Deck over the unauthorized use of their image. The picture in question appears on a 2011-12 Upper Deck Hockey Series 2 insert card depicting former Pittsburgh Penguins superstar Mario Lemieux with a group of emperor penguins. The picture was taken at the zoo in 1984 to accompany an article about Lemieux published during his rookie season.

“Our contract with the photographer clearly states that the picture in question was to be used solely for publication in the October 15, 1984 issue of Sports Illustrated,” stated Irwin, a penguin at the Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium. “Future use of the photograph would require further compensation, as agreed upon by all parties involved.”

It is rumored that the emperor penguins, who were originally paid for their participation with a bucket of krill, are seeking additional payments from both the photographer and from Upper Deck. “This isn’t just about us,” stated Irwin, “this is about the exploitation of Penguin Americans everywhere.”

Since 2009, Upper Deck has been sued by Major League Baseball, the Topps Trading Card Company and Yu-Gi-Oh licensor Konami. A lawyer for Upper Deck declined to comment, other than saying that he “thought those stupid birds would be dead by now.”

Dipietro sidelined with severed shadow 

Rick Dipietro’s endless parade of injuries continues. During Thursday morning’s practice, Dipietro’s shadow was sliced by teammate P.A. Parenteau’s skate, sidelining the goaltender with what team doctors are calling a “severed shadow.”

This is just the latest injury to plague Dipietro, who in the past has sustained injuries to his hip, knee, groin and jaw. Team doctors are unsure if they should classify this ailment as an upper-body or lower-body injury, but state that Dipietro will need 8 to 12 weeks to recover.

New Upper Deck “Emporium” hockey cards only visible to certain collectors

Each box of Emporium hockey cards contains 1 card (top) that is visible only to collectors who can afford them. Each card comes with a certificate of authenticity (bottom). Click image to enlarge.
This month, hockey card manufacturer Upper Deck unveiled a new set – but only to select customers. “Our new Emporium brand hockey cards can only be seen by certain collectors,” states Upper Deck President Richard McWilliam. “You know, the ones with lots of money.”

Using a new light-refracting technology, the innovative cards are only visible to collectors who can afford them, and invisible to everyone else.

“Wow! Awesome!” said collector Dave Smith after opening a pack of Emporium. “I pulled this sick jersey/autograph combo card of Mario Lemieux, Wayne Gretzky and Gordie Howe. At least that’s what the [accompanying] certificate of authenticity says.”

Some collectors have complained that the new cards unfairly screen out collectors who normally couldn’t afford $1500 for a 1-card pack. The cards also have yet to catch on with young collectors.

“The box is empty,” said 6-year old Timmy Fitzsimmons. “There’s nothing inside it but air!” Upon hearing the 6-year old’s complaint, a spokesman from Upper Deck assured that the boy was merely too poor to see the cards.

Upper Deck to release “Sean Avery: Diary of an A-Hole” trading card set

The NHL has not had a bigger a-hole in its 95-year history than Sean Avery. Now, fans can collect every moment of Avery’s despicable career in a new card set entitled “Biography of an A-Hole.”

“From making disparaging comments about his ex-girlfriend to sucker-punching Ladislav Smid, who could think of a bigger jerk than Sean Avery?” states an Upper Deck press release about the new product. “This set promises to include all your favorite Avery moments, such as when he was suspended by the league and ostracized by his own team, demoted to the minors, and of course his legendary rivalry with Martin Brodeur. We hope that this set will continue to remind everyone what a complete piece of [expletive] Sean Avery has been during his 10-year NHL career.”

In order to receive the free 20-card set, collectors must go to their local card shop, act like they are too cool to collect cards, pick a fight with a 10-year old and then run when the 10-year old retaliates.

Man with Thrashers tattoo tries to be relevant

Almost one year since the Thrashers relocated to Winnipeg, Atlanta resident Tom Markle still insists on flaunting his Thrashers tattoo. Markle – a hockey fan for three seasons – got the tattoo on his left shoulder before the start of the 2010-11 season.

“I thought that the team was going to be great last year,” admits Markle. “I had no idea they were going to relocate so soon. But if Winnipeg can get the Jets back, who knows–maybe the Thrashers will come back to Atlanta one day, too.”

According to those close to him, Markle refuses to cover his tattoo, showing it off any chance he gets. “I can’t help it if I’m a bit too retro for most mainstream hockey fans,” he claims. “Some people have Nordiques tattoos or Whalers tattoos. Like those people, I appreciate old time hockey.”

When asked what he thought of Atlanta’s prior NHL team, the Flames, Markle claimed to have “never heard of them,” but believes that “they were probably a sucky team, anyway.”

Panini’s new set features suspended players

Panini America’s new trading cards will feature an innovative insert set called “Shanabanned.” Seeded 1 in every 12 packs, each “Shanabanned” insert card will depict a player who has been suspended by NHL disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan.

“Brendan Shanahan’s suspension videos have captured the imaginations of hockey fans since 2011,” stated a press release from Panini. “And collectors loved our ‘Tough Times’ insert set from last year’s Donruss product. We plan on featuring not just some, but each and every player who has felt the wrath of Sheriff Shanny during the season.”

Collectors are urged to keep an eye out for collectible “Shanabanned” inserts in the upcoming set of Donruss hockey cards. Subsets will include “Repeat Offenders!” – players who have been suspended more than once this season – and “Headshot Artists,” paying homage to players who target the head and neck area.

In other news…
Happy April Fools’ Day!

Also…
If you believed any of these stories, I have some Pro Set cards I’d like to sell you.

I found two funny, hockey-related satirical articles recently.

This one, from The Onion, makes fun of penalties in hockey and Brendan Shannahan.

NHL’s Critics Find No Evidence That Penalty Box Reforms Players

The second article is from a website called E-mails from an Asshole. Here, the guy pretends to be a minor league hockey player who wants to coach a youth team–this one is a bit off color, and may offend some readers:

Special Skaters

I hope at least one of you found these funny (or at least the Penalty Box Reform article).

Tomorrow, I will post a mega-update of some vintage cards.

My sister clipped this comic from the newspaper and gave it to me. I think we all can relate to Charlie Brown here. I know I can.

Ironically, it was my sister who always got the one card I wanted-needed-had-to-have when we were kids. Whoever was my personal “Joe Shlabotnik” at the time. Looking back is a bit fuzzy, but I remember two occurrences of this phenomenon: 

#1 – 1989-90 Topps Pittsburgh Penguin sticker

In my freshman year of high school, I bought a box of 1989-90 Topps (36 packs), got the complete 198-card set but was 1 sticker shy of completing the 33-sticker set.

My sister bought 4 packs and got the one sticker I was missing: #16 – Pittsburgh Penguins. 

I probably traded 20 or so various 1980s Penguins cards for this logo sticker. Negotiation was not my strong suit when I was a kid. Fortunately, I was in honors algebra that year, because 2 years later…

#2 – 1991-92 Upper Deck Eric Lindros Canada Cup

Bad luck struck again in fall of 1991. Now a Junior in high school, I bought 2 boxes (72 packs) of 1991-92 Upper Deck hockey cards. The one card I did not get was this short-printed card of Eric Lindros, which had a high Beckett value of $15 at the time. 

My sister bought one pack and got this card. I am not exaggerating.

Both my sister and I were in honors math classes, but I’m 2 years older. I saved all my honors Algebra homework from my freshmen year, and ended up trading a semester’s worth for this card.  I got to complete my set, and my sister got all the answers. 

My sister and I talked during the Sharks-Canucks game last night. She could not remember any specific times when she got a card that I needed–she just remembered that this was a regular occurrence when we were kids.

Question: What card was your “Joe Shlabotnik” when you were young? Did you have to overpay–or trade too much–to get it?

Here are today’s top headlines in the world of hockey:

Capitals, Penguins to play next 10 Winter Classics

Thursday, the NHL announced that the Winter Classic – the annual outdoor game held on New Year’s Day – would be played between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Washington Capitals for the next 10 years.

“What a marvelous day for hockey, to show off our best teams and greatest players to television audiences everywhere,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, forgetting that water also freezes in other regions of the U.S. and in Canada. “Fans across the nation will be able to see Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin – two true stars of the game – go head to head in every Winter Classic until 2021.”

Bettman mentioned that other teams playing in the annual event are “not completely out of the question” should Crosby or Ovechkin be traded or retire.

Millions blinded by Don Cherry’s latest jacket

During Saturday’s Maple Leafs-Red Wings game, over 15 million Hockey Night in Canada viewers were temporarily blinded by Don Cherry’s latest garment – a luminescent, double-breasted polyester jacket that glowed with the power of 5 suns.

Emergency centers were jammed with calls from frantic hockey fans claiming they had gone blind. Fortunately, the effects were temporary. Viewers regained their sight later that evening, but also complained about severe headaches after hearing Pierre McGuire and Mike Milbury argue during the second intermission’s “Hot Stove” segment.

Upper Deck unveils new 2011-12 OPC cards

Today, Upper Deck gave collectors a first look at their upcoming set of 2011-12 O-Pee-Chee hockey cards. Hitting stores in late 2011, the cards feature enhanced photography, complete player statistics and an O-Pee-Chee logo that fills 90% of the card’s front.

“For decades, fans of all ages have loved the O-Pee-Chee brand of hockey cards,” said Upper Deck in a press release. “What better way to give collectors that feeling of nostalgia by making the O-Pee-Chee logo even larger than we have in the past. That way, fans can feel like they are collecting the cards of their youth, even though they are not.“

In an effort to increase the desirability of the set, Upper Deck plans to ruin one card in every pack by staining it with wax.

Report: NBC analyst Roenick used to play hockey

Jeremy Roenick, a studio analyst for NBC since 2009, has made countless repeated claims of a professional hockey career – most recently during Saturday night’s San Jose Sharks – Phoenix Coyotes game. 

“It’s true. I played in the National Hockey League for 20 years,” said the 41-year old several times during the broadcast.

“Shane Doan – I used to play with him when I was with Phoenix!” said an excited Roenick after seeing the Coyotes’ captain notch a goal against the Sharks. “And I scored my 500th goal with San Jose.”

Roenick also claims to have played with the Los Angeles Kings, Chicago Blackhawks and Philadelphia Flyers.

During both intermission reports, three rinkside interviews and the postgame show, Roenick mentioned his alleged NHL career 147 times, and talked about his membership in an organization called the “U.S. Hockey Hall of Fame.” As of press time, Roenick had no comment about the Coyotes-Sharks game he covered.

Avery puts flaming bag of poo in Brodeur’s crease

In a move that NHL officials are calling “unconventional,” New York Rangers winger Sean Avery left a burning paper bag filled with excrement in the goal crease of New Jersey Devils’ netminder Martin Brodeur.

“Brodeur is full of [bleep], so I thought the bag belonged to him,” said Avery after the game.

Notorious for agitating opponents, Avery set the bag in front of Brodeur during the second period, causing the goalie to smother the flames with his pads while Rangers center Chris Drury scored. However, the goal was immediately waived off by referee Don Van Massenhoven, as it is against the rules to distract the opposing goaltender with open flames or feces.

Neither Brodeur nor the New Jersey Devils have commented on the matter, but reportedly the Devils’ equipment manager has asked for a raise.

Thrashers acquire rest of ‘Hawks in latest trade

In a stunning blockbuster trade, the Atlanta Thrashers have acquired every member of the Chicago Blackhawks from 2010.

“We feel that this gives our team a legitimate chance to win the Stanley Cup,” said Thrashers’ GM Rick Dudley at a press conference earlier today. Jonathan Toews, Duncan Keith, Patrick Kane and Antti Niemi are just 4 of the 19 players acquired in the complex, 6-way trade that also included the Philadelphia Flyers, San Jose Sharks, Montreal Canadiens and Dallas Stars.

“We believe those guys will fit in well with [Andrew] Ladd and [Dustin] Byfuglien,” said Dudley of his team’s new acquisitions.

In exchange, the Thrashers gave up a package of prospects, future draft picks and Dudley’s first born child.

In other news…
Happy April Fools’ Day!