You know what grinds my gears in the card collecting world? Absolute laziness fortified with an attitude that no one will notice. On Friday evening, I’m sitting back in my dapper, leather high-back Georgian wing chair, enjoying a freshly poured adult beverage consisting of Scotch old enough legally buy itself and nothing more, when my phone pinged with a message.
It was an email from an online sport card retailer that I frequent, directing my attention to a sale. I adjusted my pashmina afghan, tipped my yachting cap back on my brow, and dove in to see what wares awaited my eyes.
Shortly into the list, and much to my surprise, I saw a Ryan Miller card that looked familiar…eerily familiar.
“Don’t I have this card?” I pondered. Curiosity piqued, I scrolled back to the top to see what their asking price was, but something else caught my eye and made my bubble pipe (don’t smoke, kids!) fall right from my lips and damn near into my fortified sip!
“One of one,” claimed the listing. Like a shot, I zipped up the stairs and immediately dug out the card from my memory:
Pretty much, the same damn card! Yet mine had a stamp of “2 of 5”, and on closer inspection theirs has a gaudy stamp across the ex-Sabre goalie reading “Panini Black Box.” Soooo…does that mean that there are actually six of these out there?
Now dear reader, I fully anticipated writing about this card in a box break review, especially since that box was over $100 retail and consisted of exactly one pack of cards. (I counted. Twice.)
But this…this…this absolute disregard to the card-buying public’s trust and best interests SHALL NOT STAND! Now wait, wait, wait…this gets even better as I will soon educate you on the levels of preposteries, the shenanigans, the tomfooleries that Panini feels it can shove off on to you and I, the consummate consumers.
The back reads as such:
“It’s always special to break a team record, but when the name you erase belongs to one of the all-time greats, then you’ve really achieved something. Miller made 35 saves in a 4-3 win over the Isles on Feb. 4, vaulting him past Dominik Hasek to become the Sabres’ all-time wins leader with 235.”
Got that? Good. Who are the two teams listed in the story? The New York Islanders and the Buffalo Sabres. Now scroll back up and look at my card; I’ll wait….
What team’s logo graces that piece of hard rubber? That’s right, The Flyers.
WHAT IN THE GREAT GHOST OF JEAN BELIVEAU DO THE FLYERS HAVE TO DO WITH ANY OF THAT STORY?!?!!??!
The card also reads:
“The enclosed game-used material and autograph are guaranteed by
Panini America, Inc.”
Guaranteed of what exactly? Because it is surely not a puck of any historic significance that we know of; we don’t even know if Ryan Miller even touched that puck. Also, don’t look too hard at the two signatures side by side (I’m just saying).
Panini, you have disappointed me time and time again. First, poor Jeff Skinner has to appear as a ghostly apparition above a city’s he’s never played in. Then you make the pitiable Shawn Hunwick write his own name so much that he had to put his shining career on hold indefinitely. Clearly, you had a puppeteer’s hand in the JFK/Marilyn Monroe cover up. And now this Ryan Miller card that is so filled with lies and mocking half-truths that it is currently the leading Republican candidate for President!
Take THAT, Trump.
*Drops microphone, steps off of soapbox, refills drink.* ■
About the Author: Jim Howard is a Carolina Hurricanes fan and reformed baseball card collector who is trying to keep the hockey collection from becoming overwhelming. And while he wishes he could give Crosby the business with his mitt, he is in fact NOT the goalie for the Red Wings.