You can smell the turkey cooking, you’re already gearing up for the assault of family members you haven’t seen in a year and still don’t want to, the air is getting crisp even in Carolina, and there’s a collective groan out of the Windy City as the Blackhawks are announced as participants in yet another outdoor game. Must be time to make fun of Upper Deck’s latest flagship set of hockey cards!
UD made it tough for me this year; almost every pack I opened had one card I could laugh at. I doubt they read these posts for the sake of tossing me a softball, but I piled up 36 cards out of one hobby box to poke fun at and I’ve pared it down to a baker’s dozen.
We’ll start with three really candid shots:
#81 Jason Demers – Coming from the House Of Canes I probably shouldn’t throw stones. But man, those fans in Florida give up quick! Demers is just hitting the ice for warm ups and the fans are already leaving. Sad!
#83 Michael Matheson – I don’t know why since Matheson is working on his death-defying aerial acrobatics; he might defy death, but that Blueshirt behind him is looking to loose in eye. Exciting!
#C5 Tobias Rieder – Speaking of the circus, Rieder will now stick his whole head inside a Coyote’s sharp, howling maw! Or just look for a contact lens.
That Face You Make When…
…you get invited to Thanksgiving and you’re asked make cranberry sauce, not just bring the canned stuff. They’re getting the can. (#153 Joel Ward)
…your mom asks you to smile nicely for a picture, but you’re a kid and you don’t wanna. (#18 Zdeno Chara)
…your mom asks you to smile nicely for a picture, but you’re an adult and you don’t wanna. (#175 Nazem Kadri)
…your grandma brings out the moist stuffing, not the dried crap.
(#9 Jakob Chychrun)
…when Aunt Patty’s eggnog kicks in. (#58 Antoine Roussel)
…you finish thirds of everything, and then your cousin brings you a Hostess Ho-Ho. (#159 Jaden Schwartz)
…you sit down for your food coma and your uncle brings up politics.
(#184 Jason Garrison)
….you put Lucic in the boards while doing your best Popeye impression and all the ladies laugh because nobody likes Milan Lucic. (#157 Paul Martin)
Goofy Game Faces:
#CS-29 Parick Laine – Look, I had to go looking up pictures of Laine after seeing this card to find out if he had a cleft because I was truly concerned and I wouldn’t make fun of that. Turns out his nose just snorts up his upper lip when he plays. How long will he keep those front teeth and will he need to ask Santa for two more?
#129 Michael Grabner – Grabner sports one of the most powerful “Welp!” faces I’ve ever seen; this is a man who looks like he just lost a bet and is about to take a round of Malört!
#41 Jonathan Towes – Malört beings something Toews should know all about in Chi-town. For someone with the moniker of Captain Serious, this is definitely one of the goofiest shot faces I’ve ever witnessed. I don’t think I have ever even made a face like that when playing Nintendo as a kid!
This year, I’m awfully thankful to Upper Deck for giving so much to write about, as well as dropping the prices on their cards to something closer to reasonable.
Happy Turkey Day, y’all! And if you don’t know what Jeppson’s Malört is, go to Chicago and find out firsthand.
Jim Howard is a Carolina Hurricanes fan and reformed baseball card collector who is trying to keep the hockey collection from becoming overwhelming. And while he wishes he could give Crosby the business with his mitt, he is in fact NOT the goalie for the Red Wings. ■