Best of the Worst: 2016-17 Upper Deck Series 1 Hockey

Welcome, my friends, to the show that never ends. Time for another edition of Best of the Worst of Upper Deck! Let’s all take a moment to appreciate just how far we’ve come with the photography and printing technology that bring us such stunning pictures in a little foil pack. The imagery is unparalleled with anything we’ve had in decades past; it truly does bring us closer to the game. 

Everybody over that moment of appreciation?

OK, good, now let’s make fun of them! 

#153 Martin Jones – Marty here must be playing an outstanding game because there’s a banshee of a woman just SCREEEAMING at him with all of her might! Dear lord, have you ever yelled so loud that a cartoon note popped out like this lady has?

Mr. Jones might want to want to wear ear plugs under his mask.

#180 Derek Dorsett – Poor Dorsey, like a deer in the headlights of a steel-bodied 1987 Jeep Larado with faux wood paneling. If you’re caught with a look like that on your face, people might assume you wear that helmet outside of the hockey rink as well. Perhaps it’s because he’s watching…

#173 Leo Komarov – Holy crap, that’s the look of a terrified man skating for his life!  With that leg lift he reminds me of a 1950’s housewife up on a table trying to get away from a mouse while clutching her skirt.  What could he be running from? Maybe it’s….

#146 Sidney Crosby or #90 Kyle Clifford – Look out, we’ve got more monster serial killers on the ice!  What happened to turn these two in the Mr. Hydes? I wouldn’t let them walk my grandmother across the street! I’ve heard of “killer instinct,” but this is pretty ridiculous!  

#62 Jason Spezza, #171 Joffery Lupul, #122 Nick Leddy & #43 Marian Hossa – The Son of the Revenge of Hockey O-FACE! Each of these gentlemen thankfully do not have the skin completion of Polyurethane, or they could very much be mistaken for dollica inflatimous whose natural habitat can be found in stores of the “adult” variety and at crass bachelor parties in the 1980’s. It’s a good thing nobody out there knows Photoshop.

#14 Brad Marchand & #66 Dylan Larkin – Most of the time players know their bodies and have a set schedule of what they do (and shouldn’t do) before games. That can be interrupted while on the road because they’re in a different environment. For example, maybe they found a great new restaurant and just couldn’t help themselves.  Here’s some friendly advice for Brad and Dilly:

#61 Jamie Benn – What is Jamie Benn looking at? It doesn’t matter because any singular answer is wrong. The real question is: What TWO things is Jamie Benn looking at?

Also, he has a green tongue.

#159 Sean Couturier, #55 Cam Atkinson, #C30 John Klingberg – Sean does his best Halloween Jack-o-Lantern, Cam puts entirely too much effort into whiffing on that puck, and John is just guano insane which surprises no one.

#152 Logan Couture – The Pens really dominated the Sharks in the Stanley Cup, so Logan had been holding that one in for a while. Murray really deserved the crop-dusting, but poor Olli Maatta was clearly in the line of fire and got hit as well. Don’t worry boys, you got to lift the Cup a short while later and Couture went back to only lifting his gas station burrito. 

Thanks for the laughs, Upper Deck! Happy New Year and hurry up with Series Two!

Jim Howard is a Carolina Hurricanes fan and reformed baseball card collector who is trying to keep the hockey collection from becoming overwhelming. And while he wishes he could give Crosby the business with his mitt, he is in fact NOT the goalie for the Red Wings.

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